


True Intentions

by ovisovis



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Angst, Comfort, Drama, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-02-01
Updated: 2012-02-16
Packaged: 2017-10-30 10:59:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 8,776
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/331035
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ovisovis/pseuds/ovisovis
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You hadn't intended for this to happen. Not at all. You intended to live life without him knowing. But now he does and you don't know what to do.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Oh geez, I should probably add a little note to this, shouldn't I? O-ok! So this is very loosely based off of a roleplay I had on Pesterchum between a friend of mine and myself. I was Dave and she was John! So I hope you guys enjoy! o 3o

You hadn't intended for this to happen. Not at all. You hadn't intended to sit there at your computer, staring at the screen, and worrying your teeth over your bottom lip while staring at the lines of blue and red text. In fact, you had planned on signing online and chatting freely with your friends, discussing topics of varying degrees of importance. Maybe do a little online shopping and get around to updating your Sweet Bro & Hella Jeff comics. You thought maybe you could check up on your assignments for college and make sure you had everything done or at least started. You hadn't thought for even a fraction of a second that this would happen.

The sound of someone else pestering you registered in your mind but you didn't act, didn't dare click away from the chat window with ectoBiologist. You just waited, and waited. The anxiety cutting you deep as you re-read your last reply to him over and over and over and oh my god, you can't stop reading it.

TG: i love you john

He hadn't replied for a whole three minutes now and you thought maybe this conversation had gotten too out of hand. Maybe you shouldn't have let him lead you into a conversation about feelings and emotions. Maybe you shouldn't have yelled at him – well, as much as you could through means of lame red text – and maybe you shouldn't have let your emotions totally drive you off the cliff into the forested abyss below that was your own personal hell. You knew it, this wasn't right. You spent three years loving him in secret and goddamnit that was how it should have stayed. But you can't go back now, no matter how badly you wish you could easily turn back time like you had in the past as a child. You may still be the Knight of Time but only to you and several others; the rest of the world didn't consider you anything more than just a blonde-haired cool kid with a sarcastic disposition and a taste for drawing shitty comics online.

You check the time. Five minutes. It's been five minutes and so you nervously click out of the window to see who else had bothered to pester you. It's Rose. She's inquiring about how you're doing. You begin to type a response, hands stumbling over the keys, as you try to formulate a response that doesn't sound like a total bullshitted lie. Rose is too good at analyzing your words and how quickly it takes you to get back to her; she's a psych major, after all. So you make sure to be extra careful in how you type to her. The less she knows, the better.

TT: Hello, Dave. How are you doing this evening?

TG: sup lalonde just chilling you

TT: That certainly took awhile to type, Dave. You must be distracted.

TG: yeah sorry im working on another sbhj update

TG: gotta keep my fans entertained and faithful to the comic

TT: Of course. I oftentimes find myself having forgotten you are still loyal to creating such colorful comics.

TG: i know you think theyre shitty

You were in the middle of typing a new sentence to Rose when you hear it, that definitive little ding! followed by the user handle ectoBiologist highlighted in yellow. It's John and he's responded. Shit, oh my god. No, no, no. You feel your chest tighten and your hands shake. Your mouse just can't move fast enough to hover over his name. Now all you've got to do is click it.

No. You can't. You will yourself not to. You're psyching yourself out and now you can't find the balls to just click his name. So you don't. Instead, you sign out altogether, leaving both Rose and John hanging. Panic lances through your chest and you feel yourself sucking in a shaking breath. God, since when did your calm demeanor and totally cool attitude get shattered so easily? Only John Egbert could do this to you, cause this total breakdown that made you a nervous, shaking heap on your bed, nuzzling into your red hoodie and wanting to just disappear. You know John just rejected you. You knew it. You can't hope to be with him because as he's stated before to others he's 'not a homosexual.' But god, don't you owe him at least a response? So you sign back online and immediately, Rose and John message you.

TT: How rude, David. I had expected at least a good bye.  
TT: Oh, you're back. Is something the matter?

EB: oh my god  
EB: dave, that's such a lame joke!  
EB: i'm the only one who's the prank master.

EB: prankster gambit and all that jazz!

EB: pchooo!  
EB: (hehehehehehe)  
EB: woah you signed off!  
EB: :( RUDE, dave!

You disregard Rose's message totally to stare at John's response to your confession. Did he really think that you were kidding? After that too-intense-for-comfort conversation prior to that? And suddenly, he was acting like it was just one big prank on him? Shit, that wasn't right. You try to swallow around the lump in your throat and suck in another shuddering breath. God, you're shaking again. So what else can you do? How do you respond to John? You've pretended to feel nothing for him for three years so why can't you do it now. Because you know you can. And so you do.

TG: yeah sorry bro thought i could try my hand at that prankster shit  
TG: gotta surpass the master right?

TG: anyway i gotta go

TG: gonna go grab me some joe and head to the library  
TG: dont ever be a graphic design major john

TG: this shits kicking my ass

TG: catch you later  
EB: um ok!  
EB: yeah you almost had me going, hehehe!  
EB: but i knew you were kidding.

EB: what could a cool dude like you be doing loving a nerdy guy like me, huh?

EB: (hehehehehehe)

EB: anyway, have fun with your coffee and don't get carpel tunnel from drawing so much!  
EB: (nude figure drawing, ewww!)

EB: bye!  
TG: see you

– turntechGodhead [TG] has ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB] –

– turntechGodhead [TG] has ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] –

– turntechGodhead [TG] has changed their mood to OFFLINE –

You've got to get out of this stuffy apartment. You can hear your roommate ranting at something in his room, obviously pissed off at something. Again. Geez, when is that guy never pissed? You entertain the thought that maybe if he tried to smile, the world would just end for good this time. With how you're feeling at this moment, you silently encourage this. Without a word, you head for the door and slip on your converse sneakers. Slipping out of the apartment, you jog down the stairs and ignore the goings-on of the other tenants as you pass door-after-door. Eventually you're on level ground and able to make a beeline for the crosswalk to make your way to the local college coffee shop, open 24/7. You don't think you've ever been more thankful for this coffee shop more than you are right now.

But what you don't expect is to hear Rose's calling out to you, stopping you dead in your tracks.

"You do realize you are rather terrible at pretending you're okay, right?"

Turning, you see her standing in a modest but darkly-themed outfit, arms crossed over her chest and a neutral look adorned on her pale face. You keep your poker face and shrug, not wanting to speak for fear of a blabbering, incomprehensible slur of words to leave you, followed by what could turn into sobbing. It's one thing feeling pathetic when you're so used to being the strong one but its even worse when your ecto-sis is standing there with those dark eyes of hers, waiting for you to explain yourself. You don't want to tell her anything but you know that it's an obligation now, considering how stupid and confused you must look right now.

Rose is walking towards you then, a careful yet confident stride, before she takes you by the arm and loops it with hers. "Let's get some coffee."


	2. Chapter 2

This is not what you intended. At all. You had expected to sulk over your coffee and watch the dark surface ripple as the warm night breeze passed over you without relent. But no, you find yourself in a totally different situation; that being that you're sitting outside with Rose on one of the many campus benches and both of you are holding cups of steaming coffee and you just got done spilling everything to her. And by 'everything' you mean from the very start of the three years in which you silently loved John to that night, when he passed off your confession as something as pathetic as a shitty prank. Rose was sitting, perched rather, on the bench's arm, coffee cup settled between her delicate palms and balanced on her knees. She's staring at nothing in particular, obviously deep in thought, and it makes you nervous. You continue to fidget, turning the coffee around and around in your hands. The backs of your ears ache from the glasses that you constantly wear and you want to take them off for both that reason and the other reason that these are the very pair John had gifted you with. You feel like wearing anything remotely reminiscent of John would jinx you, make you despair even further and you'd never move on.

But part of you doesn't want to move on.

"You know how John is," Rose spoke so suddenly it made you jolt a little. "He tends to be oblivious to some of the more important things. But you know it's a harmless flaw of his."

"Harmless?" That word doesn't settle with you at all. You can't hide the acidic tone in your voice. "Lalonde, John's obliviousness to this shit is anything but harmless. It's turned me into this unironic, pathetic pile of shit."

"I'll ignore the imagery that comes with your statement and move on to say that he does not realize that it is harming you as strongly as it is. He means well, even if it doesn't always work out in the favor of others. Perhaps he is simply trying to cope with your confession and, with his prankster gambit, he is turning to that as a means of a safety mechanism. He is only being John."

"Being John is the best fucking thing in the whole world, Rose," You say into your coffee cup. "And I hate it."

"I know," She whispered. "I hate seeing you this way. Perhaps you should talk to him. Open his eyes, so to speak, and tell him you were serious."

"That's not possible," You hate to shoot her down so quickly, not wanting to make her feel like her ideas are useless. But you'd rather be honest than be considerate. "It's taken me three years to admit my feelings to Egbert and the whole conversation beforehand was all his fault; he started talking about love and couples and—" You cut off and can't stand to say anymore, having heard the slight tremor in your voice. Rose apparently heard it too and had slid from her perch to your side, draping a slim arm around your shoulders and squeezing your arm gently and affectionately.

"I understand. You cannot simply repeat something like that under casual circumstances. But you'll have other chances if you so wish to utilize them."

"With my luck, that was my one and only chance." You murmur, feeling the beginnings of hot tears run down your face and drip into your coffee.

"Where the fuck were you at?" Was the greeting you received upon stepping into your apartment, coffee cup in hand and still full but its been tainted with your stupid tears and now you don't want the damn thing. What a waste of $3.97.

Shutting the door after you, you look up to see Karkat Vantas, your ever-crabby roommate, pulling out a microwave pizza from the microwave and setting it on the counter. Coils of frothy steam swirl in the air above the pizza and Karkat is taking out a knife and violently cutting at it. You remain silent as you walk to the sink nearby and pour out the coffee, watching it wash down the drain. Your silence triggers his frustration and he lets out an over-exaggerated sigh.

"Okay, fine, don't fucking tell me what you were doing. Not like I cared anyway." He starts to take the butchered pizza with him to his room before you speak.

"I was out getting coffee," You say, no energy to try to provoke him with some snide remark. He gives a shrug and continues to move towards his room, slamming the door and leaving you to your thoughts. God that was a dangerous thing.

You stand over the sink, staring into it as though it might give you an answer, might tell you something that would somehow relieve the tension and the heartache you are currently undergoing. But the edges of your vision is starting to blur and you realize that nothing is going to happen to help your situation. You feel helpless, even if Rose did bring out some good points. It didn't matter. What mattered was John was stupid, hopelessly adorably ignorant, and there was nothing you could do about it.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I haven't updated in forever! I'll be uploading the chapters more frequently on here! :3

Your name is John Egbert and you are confused. Dave Strider said he loved you but he was joking. And when you accused him of joking, turning the whole situation into one big prank, you could feel your heart breaking a little when he went along with it, claiming it to be exactly what you perceived it as: a prank. You aren't sure why Dave would say something like that, prank or not. You've loved him for three years and you don't understand why you've continued to find affections for him. You can't shake the feel that you're too derpy of a guy to even hope to be in a relationship with him. Besides, you've already claimed to everybody that you are not a homosexual. You had hoped, when you told Karkat that, that you would start to believe it yourself. But who are you kidding, you're totally gay and you're in love with Dave Strider.

You just got out of your last class of the day and you're exhaling with relief. Boy, working towards your degree in ectobiology was really hard work! But just the thought of donning a crisp white coat and being able to work hands-on in a lab made it seem like these classes would be worth it. Luckily your day was open now and you wondered what you would be doing. Jade might want to work out and maybe the two of you could drive those long two hours to Rose and Dave's university and – your mind falters and you bite your bottom lip. Dave. You'd rather not think about him right now.

Ever since he admitted that he loved you – jokingly of course! – he has been scarce in both text messages and on Pesterchum. You had asked Rose about it once and she simply said that he was probably busy getting assignments in for his classes. You didn't realize that being a graphic design major was such hard work! But you figured Dave was probably working really hard so you didn't press Rose further on the matter. But that did not mean you did not wonder what was going on with him. You had tried to talk to Jade about it, but she didn't really know entirely what to say to help console you. And that was okay; you shouldn't be dumping your emotional turmoil on the sweet girl anyway! In lieu of Dave's absence, however, Karkat and you have developed a stronger friendship! The two of you talked a few nights a week, just kind of keeping another up to date and his anger is becoming less sporadic and vicious and more predictable and tolerable. You could even say he was turning into one of your best friends! Not to mention he's really kind of cute and though you told him that you weren't gay, you wonder if maybe-

No.

You frown to yourself as you make your way up the sidewalk towards your dorm. Even though Karkat was available and had past feelings of you, it isn't right to just stab Dave in the back like that. You've loved him for this long and just running off to another guy when you're hurt doesn't feel right. Especially when that guy was also Dave's roommate. The thought of Dave finding out that you and Karkat were hooking up made you uncomfortable and so you pushed the thoughts away hastily.

Your roommate is sitting behind his desk when you walk in the door and frankly, you aren't surprised. It's almost as if he never has much of a social life aside from those he talks to online. The only time you've ever seen him leave was to go to the bathroom. Did he even have classes? You aren't sure. All you know is that he's a computer science major and he's really good at hacking. You wonder if he's ever hacked into your computer before. But you don't bother to ask him. You don't like to ask him too many questions because he has also has a bipolar disorder and sometimes gets annoyed with you too quickly for your liking.

"Thup," He says as his usual greeting when he glances over at you. You nod quickly to him and offer him a polite smile, shutting the door and dropping your bookbag next to your own desk. Stepping over a thick rope of twisted cords that ran along the floor, you make your way to your bed and drag your old laptop onto your lap, flipping it up and turning it on. Immediately the screen lights up and Pesterchum loads, your chumroll revealing that Rose was online and so was Dave. For the first time in a long time. Your heart is suddenly beating a million beats per second and you cannot stop smiling. Elated, you make a soft noise of excitement that obviously tore your roommate from his concentration, because he turned around his chair to look at you.

"Jeguth, what the hell wath that noith about?"

You blush and look over at him, giving him an apologetic grin. "Sorry, Sollux, I just got excited when I saw that Dave was online."

With a sigh, Sollux lifted a dark brow. "It'th like you're in love with the guy. Perthonally, I think he'th a bit of a douthe."

"Oh, I am not! And besides, he's not that bad of a guy! You just gotta get to know him, that's all!"

"Whatever," Sollux said, obviously not in the mood to try and argue with you. You exhale, a little put-out by your roommate but you don't let that stop you from messaging Dave!

– ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] –

EB: hey dave! :)

TG: oh hey egbert  
EB: jeez you're never online anymore!  
EB: what's the deeeeeeeeal? ::::?  
TG: dude you need to stop talking to that spiderbitch  
EB: oh come on, she's not that bad!  
TG: yeah she is topic closed  
TG: strider – 1 egbert – 0

EB: yeah ok well anyway!  
EB: what's up?  
TG: not much just relaxing i guess  
EB: oh fun! i think. Hehehehe  
EB: so i guess youve worked yourself into a coma then?  
TG: yeah sure lets put it that way  
EB: :?

TG: nothing whats up with you  
EB: oh not much!  
EB i just got out of class and am so ready for the weekend!  
TG: oh yeah tomorrows friday isnt it  
EB: yeah! i think jade and i are going to go see that new nic cage movie!  
TG: have fun i guess  
TG: i gotta go  
EB: what!  
EB: fine ok i'll just talk to you later!  
TG: maybe

– turntechGodhead [TG] has ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB] –

Your name is John Egbert and you are staring at your computer screen. Your heart feels like its being crushed and there's this nearly intolerable pressure on your chest. You can't believe that it's happening but it is. You're losing your best friend.


	4. Chapter 4

– tentacleTherapist [TT] has begun pestering turntechGodhead [TG] –

TT: You cannot continue to blow his conversations off, Dave.

TG: what the hell do you expect me to do

TG: just pretend like everythings all happy and normal?

TG: nothing is happy and nothing is normal

TG: nothings ever been normal for us rose  
TT: I understand that, Dave. But John does not need to feel like he's done something wrong all because you are butthurt over his naturally oblivious disposition.

TG: shit ok I get that but i cant just act like everythings ok  
TT: You can. John needs a friend. And cutting yourself out of his life like this is not beneficial to anyone.  
TG: i know  
TT: Being his friends, we all are able to provide John with different aspects of our own unique friendships. Depriving him of your own will wreck him. He has come to me for a week now, asking me if you are upset with him. I do not wish to have my neutral ass dragged into your emotional brouhaha.

TG: ok ok lalonde i get it  
TG: i will talk to egbert ok

TT: I am glad to hear it.

TT: Now if you will excuse me, I have class to attend to. Then I believe I am meeting up with Kanaya for some coffee.

TG: are you guys dating yet?  
TT: We are simply friends and classmates.

TG: i call bullshit  
TT: Call it as you see it but I really must depart. Goodbye, Dave.

TG: catch you later

– tentacleTherapist [TT] has ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] –

You sigh heavily, almost dramatically, as you exit out of your conversation with Rose. You know she's right but god, you don't know if you can will yourself to talk to John as though nothing had transpired between the two of you. For the past week, you've been keeping yourself scarce and John has only attempted to talk to you almost every day. And each of those times, you've humored him for a few minutes before finding some kind of excuse to sign offline. God, what are you doing? You were supposed to be Dave Strider, the cool kid who knew how to treat his friend right. But all you've done is tuck your tail between your legs and run off from the emotional danger that you've set yourself up for. John was supposed to think you were kidding about the whole 'I love you' deal so why aren't you acting more like it? Maybe because you weren't kidding and hell, you've never had to deal with this before! Wearing your heart on your sleeve was way too fucking dangerous...

In the end, you know Rose is right and there isn't anything you can do to try and put off talking to John. Besides, his birthday is coming up and you know seeing him face-to-face is inevitable. And if you cannot handle talking to John online, you sure as hell won't be able to handle talking to him personally. If you ruin his birthday by being a total ass over this, you would never forgive yourself. And so you sit there, in your room, making a silent pact with yourself to give John the best fucking birthday of his entire life. You are John's best bro and you need to start acting like it.

It's April 13th and today is John's birthday. He's turning twenty and you have resolved to yourself that you would make this the best birthday that bespectacled beauty has ever fucking had.

Rose and you are carpooling together in her black BMW M3 Sedan. You admire her taste in modest vehicular transport though you think she's got the money to do better. Whatever, it's better than your own shitty car. The drive there is mostly silent, aside from whatever classical shit Rose has playing from her speakers. You insisted in playing some of your own ill beats but the conversations usually resulted in something like:

"Come on, Lalonde, get the stick out of your ass and let me rock to something I can tolerate."

"You expect me to submit to that when you so rudely went about asking me?"

"From ecto-bro to ecto-sis, c'mon. Just a few songs."

"No, Strider. My car, my music."

And that was usually the end of that. So it was needless to say that you had resolved to fishing your ear buds out of your pants pocket and shoved them into the jack on your iPhone, scrolling through your music and turning it up to an obnoxiously loud volume. Let Rose have her shitty classical music. You have your sick fires you can jam to.

Before you know it, you see the sprawling campus of Prospit University and Rose is making her way to a public parking deck. Your heart beats unnaturally fast and you start to worry your teeth over your bottom lip in a way that is so uncharacteristic of your natural laid-back disposition. Rose glances sidelong at you and reaches out, placing a hand on your knee in a move to silently offer you her comfort and support. You appreciate it but you know that her comfort isn't going to right everything between you and your best friend.

"I don't think I can do this."

"Relax, Dave, you'll be fine. Just be yourself."

"If I were to act like myself, I'd fucking embrace Egbert and elope with him to some sweet island where we'd make fantastic fucking love."

"I wouldn't entertain those thoughts so readily. And certainly don't vocalize them now."

"Where are we meeting them anyway?"

Rose glances around then down at her phone and map of the campus that she had grabbed on her way out of the parking deck from one of those lame 'Welcome To Our Campus!' displays. You would think that the two of you have visited this place frequently enough to get the general layout but jesus christ, did this place have to be a fucking labyrinth?

"Rose! Dave!"

You stiffen as you register that voice, that wonderful sound that you have missed for so long now. Rose is already turning around and you suck in a deep breath. It's go time, Dave Strider.

You turn around and there he is, John Egbert in all his breath-taking glory. That perfect face, that beautiful grin, those derpy teeth that push over his bottom lip just slightly in that adorable overbite that he refused to get rid of, even with the advancements in orthodontics. You are so glad that he's too stubborn to get rid of it. The four of you established years ago that the overbite was apart of John and getting rid of it was like chopping off a limb. Like Rose's knitting, Jade's obnoxiously round glasses, and your own shades.

John is approaching the two of you and you feel sick all of a sudden. You want to hug him, to tell him you're sorry for avoiding him, to tell him that you really did love him and that you wanted to just start over. But you couldn't. You couldn't do any of that except stand there and smirk at him, jerk your chin up at him in acknowledgment and greet him like you always have.

"'Sup, birthday boy." You say without skipping a beat. Rose looks at you with a look of surprise flitting in her gaze. She is glad that you have managed to compose yourself enough to greet him properly. Hell, you're pretty damn proud of yourself too. You think to yourself that maybe you can get over John, that you can be the best bros like always and get over the feelings that he has inadvertently instilled in you.

But then he hugs you and you feel those arms around you, his chest brushing up against yours as he nuzzles his face into your neck and is laughing and greeting you happily, saying how much he's missed you. And oh god, you feel your chest tighten and your heart flutter. You feel so blissfully happy and you just want to stand there forever in his embrace, hugging him back and savoring his gentle touch.

You know immediately that no amount of time can make your feelings fade.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was asked about the AU/Universe that this story is written in and I figured instead of sharing it exclusively, I'd tell you all what universe this is written in. Firstly, I had pictured this as an AU that was post-SBURB and that the order of the world had been restored and all was good and well, thanks to ectobiology, and that everybody involved in that session (including the trolls) remembered it but the people of the earth didn't. But I guess some aspects of this kind of contradict that.
> 
> Also! The Trolls are human, a huge contradiction to the post-SBURB universe. Anyway, they're human but still retain the same interests and personalities, etc. I won't go into too much depth with the Trolls in the story since they're more or less used to enhance drama and help in certain situations. Anyway, yeah! Hope this answers any questions you have!

"-and it scared her so much that she spilled her tea all over her dress!"

"John! Don't tell them too much! It was embarrassing!"

And of course, John keeps telling Rose and you the successes of his various pranking adventures, discussing how his prankster gambit was really soaring sky high because Jade was so damn gullible sometimes. You chuckle quietly and nod and act like you normally would, trying so hard not to let your inner-turmoil bleed through your carefully placed facade. John hasn't said anything to you about anything, so you figure he's probably forgotten about it by this point. Part of you hates this, wishing he'd remember and maybe fit the pieces together and realize you weren't kidding at all. But another part of you is relieved beyond reason and that means that maybe, assuming time would be on your side (it never is and never will be), you'll get over John and meet a nice girl or boy and fall in love with them instead.

And every damn time you think how nice it might be, John does something to make you realize that no, that won't ever happen. That a life of loving John, even if it will never be reciprocated, is better than living a life without loving him at all. You've accepted this multiple times now but you still like to relieve your mind of this heartache for only a moment, imagining what it would be like if you never loved him and John Egbert had been nothing more than your best bro.

"Dave? Haha, are you spacing out again? Daaaaaaave?"

Shit, John's trying to get your attention. You blink quickly, though it can't be seen from behind your shades, and you jolt a little, obviously having been in deep thought. Rose gives you a slight pinch on your leg from under the table and you pointedly ignore her and look to John across the table. Everything in this coffee shop seems too small or maybe John's gotten taller since you last saw him because goddammit, you feel your knee brush against John's own.

"Yo, sorry, Egbert. What's up?"

John was smiling, that adorable fucking overbite pressing into his bottom lip again as he lifts a hand and pushes his glasses further up the bridge of his nose. He blinks, those beautifully dark lashes brushing up against the skin beneath his eyes as he focuses those criminally blue eyes on you. God, you wish you could kiss him.

"Well since it's Friday – the 13th, hehehe! – Jade and I were thinking it'd be great if the two of you stayed for the whole weekend! What do you say?"

Shit. No. God, yes. But no. You can't. You can't stay with John for a whole weekend. Not if means that you'll end up sharing his dorm. So you try to wriggle your way out of this arrangement, no matter how badly you want to accept it.

"What about your roommate, dude? From what you've told me, he might be kind of opposed to some random dude staying with you."

"Oh, he's actually going to hang out with a friend of his this weekend! Well, at least I think it's his friend. When I asked who it was, he called him 'Eridouche' so I don't know! I'm kind of excited because Sollux never leaves the room so it's good that he's actually getting out, you know? Anyway, I'm going to have the whole dorm to myself this weekend!"

"And I stay in an on-campus apartment," Jade chimed in, smiling happily, "So Rose has more than enough space to room with me. My two other roommates are totally fine with it! They share a bedroom anyway."

Both John and Jade looks so damn excited about this little arrangement but you can't let them win this just yet. So you pull out the 'clothing' card.

"It would've been nice for you to tell us about this before we left. We don't have any clothes."

"You can wear our stuff!" Jade pointed out. Dammit. Rose was a little taller than Jade but certainly the same size around. And the same went for you and John. Fuck. They thought of all the damn solutions. How are you not really that surprised?

"It sounds like a lovely idea," Rose said suddenly, her voice calm and warm. You turn to stare at her, trying to send her silent signals that would imply that no, hell to the fucking no, you weren't going to stay.

Despite your silent pleas for help, Rose gives you a look that tells you that she knows what she's doing and she's not just throwing you under the fucking bus here. So you try to trust her judgment as you look away from her and back to John and then Jade.

"Sounds cool, then. We'll stay."

Your name is John Egbert and you are so excited! Dave is staying with you for the weekend and it'll be just the four of you for the whole weekend! But at that thought, you feel your breath hitch in your throat and your heart begins to beat faster than before. Dave. You. Alone. In the same bedroom. For two nights. Oh god, what have you done?

You're still hurting over Dave's little prank, that he would toy with your emotions like that, but then again, you can't be upset at him! It wasn't like you made it obvious that you loved him anyway. You never told him so he didn't do it knowing it'd hurt you. He would never do that. He's your best bro and he always will be. So in order to restore the order and the way you two used to interact, you pretend like whatever emotional drama went on between you two never happened. It also was a sort of test to see if Dave really was mad at you. If he really was, you'd be able to tell it in person, for sure! But Dave was acting like normal old, lovable, handsome Dave! And god, it tortured you. But it also made you really happy to know that Rose had been right. He probably just really had been busy with school and the timing was just ill-placed. Regardless, things were starting to move back on track and maybe, just maybe, you won't lose your best friend. And maybe you never were losing him, you just felt like you were. In any case, if you ever lost him, you would never let yourself live it down for letting it happen.

"We're not going to watch any of your shitty Nic Cage movies, are we?" Dave's low voice sounded next to you as the four of you walked along the campus, no destination set in mind. Jade and you had been showing them the campus for a little bit, trying to get the blondes reacquainted with the landscape but conversation about the school dwindled and more interesting topics sprung up. Jade had asked you guys what was on the agenda for the weekend and you had immediately chimed in the prospect of watching a movie. This was where Dave came in, asking about Nic Cage. You can't help but feign offense as you start to defend your all-time favorite actor.

"None of his movies are shitty, Dave! He's a quality actor! Besides, who could possibly think to oppose another dose of Con Air or City of Angels?"

Dave snorted as he stuffed his hands into his red hoodie pocket. "We've a heard a nightmarishly in-depth synopsis of both those movies to understand exactly what happens. We don't need to see it."

"There's a difference between hearing about it and watching it though! The bunny scene, Dave! The bunny scene!"

A soft smirk quirks up one side of Dave's lips and you cannot help but wonder how they must feel. How warm his breath would be against your mouth, against your neck, against your more private are-

"Okay, fine. But only one Nic Cage movie and that's it."

You abruptly stop thinking about the fictional intimacies between Dave and you and feel yourself bounce a little too excitedly on your heels as you grab Dave's arm and hug it to your chest. You feel him tense up and inhale in a soft gasp. You wonder what it's about for but a second before you're thanking him and telling him that 'you won't regret it, I swear!'

The four of you spend the majority of that afternoon walking around campus and the fringes of the city that the college resides in, talking and catching up, laughing and enjoying each other's company. You noticed throughout the day that sometimes Dave would look at you, stealing secret glances when he thought you weren't looking. It was almost like he was looking at you like he'd never seen you in person before and was just now getting a good look at you. His gazes lingered and sometimes he would smile to himself. And you can tell he was really looking at you, because hell, you've known him for years and been in love with him for the past three. It was needless to say that you learned how to read what he was looking at even with those shades on. But still, a thought comes to you that makes you wonder: has Dave Strider always looked at you like that?


	6. Chapter 6

The first thing that assaults your line of vision is that god-awful poster for Con Air. John's half of his dorm looks scarily similar to his room back in Seattle, what with all the posters for his favorite (shitty) movies. His bed sheets are the same ones from his room too, the cartoon ghosts with their tentacle-like limbs waving about in a manner that was either supposed to be humorous or scary, you weren't sure. Various other movie posters were cluttered nearby the Con Air poster, such as Mac and Me, Ghost Busters, and Deep Impact. Your own college apartment reflects your personality too, but some of the stuff you had to leave in your apartment in Houston. Some of that shit you owned was too precious to take out of the house.

It takes you a moment to realize that John is watching you, giving you time to take in your surroundings. You feel sort of silly, standing here like a new puppy exploring its new home, when you've seen this stuff before. It wasn't really that astounding; if anything a little funny and heart-achingly nostalgic.

"Nice place, Egbert," You say to fend off the oncoming awkwardness. John laughs softly as he looks around, shrugging with that modesty that you find both annoying and endearing. He moves towards his bed and gestures to the small room. "Well, make yourself at home, Dave!"

God, you wish you could take that statement seriously. You wish you felt like you could move up and sit beside the other with full confidence that your whole face wouldn't turn an embarrassing shade of crimson. But you also know that if you don't quit acting so stiff and careful, pussy-footing your way around the sensitive subject that is John Egbert, he'll start to wonder if maybe he's done something wrong and shit, you really don't want that happening. It might lead to conflict that may permanently damage your relationship (pfft, what relationship, you meant friendship; but why, why does it have to be just friendship?) with him. And so you relax your tense shoulders and shut the door to his dorm, realizing you were standing just inside the small space, probably making yourself look even more awkward. And so you step forward-

Only to very nearly fucking fall flat on your fucking face.

You stumble and with a simple jerk upwards of the body, you straighten up, hair slightly disheveled now and shades falling down the bridge of your nose. Hastily, you push your glasses back up and stand rigid, trying to play it off as best as possible. But it's too late, John already saw and John's laughing at your clumsy display.

"Jeez, Dave, watch there you're going! Hehehe!"

"Shut it, Egbert." You say as you look down to see what you had tripped on. Cords. Wires. Every-fucking-where. A few surge protectors lined the sides of the wall but all of it led to a dormant computer sitting across the room. That was, unmistakably, Sollux Captor's side of the room.

"Goddamn," You say as you pick your way calmly around the wires and twists of thick chords that snake along the bare floor. "What the fuck is going on with all these cords?"

"You get used to it after awhile!" John assured with a buck-toothed grin. God, you love that grin. You place yourself on his bed beside him, huffing out, a blonde lock of hair fluttering when you did that. John giggled again. It was music to your ears. You feel the mattress depress as he shifts to look more directly at you, that smile on his face still. You look back at him, thankful for the protective cover of your shades, and notice something swimming in those cerulean depths that were his eyes. You couldn't quite place it and frankly, it made your heart flip uncomfortably in your chest. So you make a point to look away and so does he. Apparently, he must have felt the same way about the all-too-direct eye contact.

"So, uh, what do you want to do?" He asked finally. You give a customary shrug. You know exactly what you want to do. You want to kiss him, embrace him, feel that warm breath on your neck and on your face, feel the frames of his glasses clinking softly against yours, his nose brushing against yours as he curls up to you and curls his slim, pale arms around your taller, tanner frame. You want to tell him everything, from the moment you loved him up to now. You want him to see through those glasses at him. You want him to see your heart.

"Well, we can watch a movie!" John offered. Of course.

With a roll of your eyes, you tilt your head down to stare at the other over the rims of your shades.

"As long as it's not Con Air."

You hate that you can't say no. You hate that every little thing that he does makes you ache. You hate how cute he looks when he sticks out his bottom lip and a mock-pout, obviously just kidding but if only he knew what 'just kidding' did to you.

But you've lived all your life with the 'if onlys' and the 'what ifs.' Part of you has been scrubbed raw from living life like that, tearing open old wounds and leaving them gaping and bloody. Another part of you is numb from it, having gotten used to it. But you wish that you didn't have these wounds, the ones that won't close up anymore (did they ever even try to heal?), and you wish you weren't used to John being just your friend and nothing else. But life is a fucking chessboard and you're only a pawn in his life. You won't be John's knight in shining armor. The only knight you've ever been to him is the Knight of Time.

And because you can't say no, you're stuck sitting here on the bed with John, crammed up against him (oh god, the entire left side of your body is touching his right side and he's so warm, so warm.) The television is perched precariously on a dresser, and you both are watching the attractive (bullshit) Cameron Poe, urging that the bunny put back in the box. God, that face. Did Nic Cage ever wear a different expression? Did his face always look so scrunched up and frustrated like that? Ever? Apparently those questions haven't surface in Egbert's mind because he's sitting beside you, his teeth worrying over his bottom lip, while grinning and eyes shining like a kid on Christmas.

You've tried to focus on the movie, tried to maybe get engaged in the situation and please John by actually paying attention. But he's so warm and so soft and every little nervous noise he makes as the movie progresses is turning your world every which way. This is emotional suicide, staying here with John for a whole fucking weekend.

But you're relaxed against him, taking in his scent and his warmth, acting chill as you always did. And you pretend like you're just the best of fucking bros like always. You keep your walls built up as best as you can, though you can feel them cracking, crumbling away slowly bit by bit. It was only a matter of time before you were vulnerable and raw to John, your walls just rubble and debris around you, and letting him see your emotions and your thoughts.

Part of you rebukes the thought, is trying to keep the walls stable and hard to break. But another part of you is looking forward to them coming down. Because the sooner they do, the sooner you might be able to feel time start to work the way it was supposed to all along.


	7. Chapter 7

_Your breath hitches in your throat and your cheeks are flushed a humiliating shade of crimson. You had imagined you'd have more self-control than this when (or if) the moment arose. But you're on top of him and he's kissing you and you're kissing him and god you just cannot stop. He's making soft mewling noises, noises of submission that thrill you and encourage your hands to snake up his shirt, pushing it up to his chest. His hands are in your hair, tousling it into a shock of golden mess, while both pairs of glasses rest askew in your faces. You let slip a soft sigh between your lips as you feel your heart flip-flop uncomfortably in your chest but god, this is so right. Every passing second of this is so, so, right. And you would kill over and over to get this feeling – this moment – with him again._

_"Dave?"_

_His voice is breathless and mystified, obviously a little shocked at the situation as well. But he doesn't protest to this at all. In fact, he's wriggling against you, creating some sort of friction that makes you gasp softly._

_"Daaaave," He's whining now and his voice seems detached from his body, almost as if the voice wasn't his own._

"Dave! Haha, wake up!"

You jolt suddenly the scene melting away and being archived into your consciousness for you to ache over later. Your eyes open, blearily and you realize that you had fallen asleep and Con Air was over, the credits scrolling by on the screen. John is hovering above you, grinning that adorable buck-toothed smile and god, you wish that you could wake up to his face every day. But that won't happen. You've conditioned yourself to believe that that won't happen. But instead of being happy to see John, you're mad. You're upset and exhausted and emotionally drained all of a sudden. Why couldn't he have let you sleep? At least there you were happy and time actually stood still for you. But now your awake and the sand of your dream is slipping through your fingers and you're scrambling for it back, knees in the sand around you and digging, desperate to keep what you can't fucking have.

You squeeze your eyes shut and groan loudly, obviously a little irritated. John pawns it off as just grogginess and sits on your legs, straddling you and grinning. He doesn't get what he's doing. He doesn't understand that this is killing you. His touch, his laugh, his smile, it's all ripping you open at the seams and you can't stop bleeding, you can't patch up the wounds of your unrequited affection.

But you can't let him know that no matter what. You can't hurt him by telling him how badly his plucky disposition is driving the sword in deeper. You can't bring up a subject that has been silently deemed as taboo. You don't want to make him uncomfortable and you don't want to drive him away from you. Living in your personal hell with John is better than living in your personal hell alone.

The weight on your legs is suddenly gone and you notice he's crawled off of you and he looks a little upset. Something dark is clouding over his eyes and you wonder if maybe you've already hurt his feelings. But you know you haven't. He's fine. He has to be. He's John.

"You know you're my best bro, right?" John said softly, glancing up to you. Oh god. Oh god. Oh god. What's going on? The world is spinning and you're unable to hold the reins to your life anymore. What's John getting at? You remain calm as you nod.

"Yeah, man, we're the chillest fucking bros in the history of forever," You say. John smiles at this, his gaze distant as though recalling a faint memory. You wonder what's on his mind all of a sudden. So you prompt him with a short question.

"What's going on?"

And almost as if this broke John from whatever sudden mood he was in, he jerked and looked up, grinning wide. "Nothing, you doofus! I'm just wanting to remind you that we're the best bros in the world!"

And your world crashes again, your walls cracking just a little more and making you feel a little less protected behind the facade you've built up for so long. But of course you're Dave Strider and you'll be damned if you let your inner-turmoil show.

Your name is John Egbert and you just backed out of telling Dave you loved him.

You feel ashamed that you can't just come out and say it. But you feel like if you don't sometime soon, you'll end up ruining any chances with him and you'll lose him forever. But if you just come out and say it, he might get freaked out! And plus, it's his first evening here and you don't want to make it awkward for him. But at the moment, you had been so sure that this would be okay, that he'd accept it and be happy and kiss you, even! But the memory of the awkward conversation between the two of you a couple of weeks ago kept clicking through your mind like a roll of film and you know you can't just be casual about it. You can't just come out and say 'I love you!' because what if that's too sudden? What if he thinks you're joking this time around? What if he ends up hating you?

No, you're over-thinking things.

But that still doesn't change your direction of verbal communication. You back-pedal a little bit and switch up your words. You look at him, hoping that he didn't notice the seam in your words, that he didn't pick up on the fact that there was more to say (god there was so much more). He doesn't seem deterred and you take that as a victory. He smiles faintly at you, one side of his lip turning up more than the other in an amused smirk and he nods.

"Yeah, Egbert, I get that. You don't need to reassure me."

His sounds sincere and you trust that he is, giving him a grin back and watching that smirk turn up a little bit more. God, those lips. You wished you could just reach out and sweep your own against his, to touch his arms, his hands, his jaw. To relax in his hold and let the emotional burden just bleed out from you. But you can't approach this lightly. Dave means the world to you and if you aren't careful, you'll push him away.

Your name is John Egbert and you don't know, for the life of you, what to do now.


End file.
